5th Sunday in Easter

“Love one another as I have loved you.” This is Jesus’ command to us in today’s gospel. But how has Jesus loved us? I would like to suggest to you that what characterizes Jesus’ love is its asymmetric quality. Jesus’ love is a completely asymmetric love, it’s a love that gives far more than it receives. So when we are talking about the love of Jesus and trying to imitate it, it’s all about trying to get comfortable with relationships where we give far more than we receive. Jesus says that if we love like this, this is how people will know that we are his disciples. But are Christians really better at loving asymmetrically than others? While we know that there are some incredibly loving Christians, there are also some who are just downright selfish. What explains this difference? Why are some people so very kind and prepared to sacrifice themselves while others are not? It turns out this is a question that social scientists have actually attempted to solve and with some success.

In order to answer the question, they took an extremely altruistic category of people to study: those who volunteered to give one of their kidneys to a complete stranger. Normally when someone needs a new kidney, the first line of appeal is to search among the relatives of this person, firstly, because close relatives are more likely to be a match, but also because close relatives are more likely to consent to undergoing major surgery for the sake of someone they know well and care about. However, sometimes it is not possible to find a good match amongst relatives and appeals have to be made to complete strangers. It is these people who are defying the logic of normal human relations for here are people who are prepared to go to great personal cost in order to help a complete stranger. What makes these people special scientists wanted to know. By subjecting these people to brain scans, they found that they have a bigger amygdala, which is the part of the brain that controls our response of compassion. But before you think that their altruism was just a matter of biology – nature and not nurture – hold your horses. The researchers also found something startling in their view of the world. When they interviewed these donors about why they were so special, they all asserted that there was nothing special about them. They all affirmed that they were just like any other person, there was nothing unique about them and they were just doing what any other person in their position would do. This was interesting because the researchers concluded that what was unique about them was their humility. What was extraordinary about them was that they did not believe that they were the centre of their own lives – in fact one person who was interviewed stated this plainly when she said simply “well it is not about me.”

So if the goal is to love as Jesus loved us, it seems we need to be able to come to the realization that it is not all about us, we are not the centre of our own lives. How do we arrive at this stage? I would like to suggest to you that the trajectory of our lives is designed to teach us this lesson. We begin our lives as children, where the first relationship in our lives is an asymmetrical relationship, our relationship with our parents. We receive from our parents far more than we give them. As little children (0-3 years old) we think we are the centre of the universe, and the whole world must revolve around us, and if it doesn’t we throw our toys out of the cot. The first major challenge this world view is when we become aware of our siblings. Their existence in the world challenges our notion that we are the centre of the universe. Our parents invite us to share our things with our siblings and they invite us into the first symmetrical relationship of our lives, where we must get used to giving as much love as we receive from the other person. Hopefully our relationship with our siblings serves as the training ground for developing symmetrical relationships with others and learning how to be in just and right relationship with friends, school-mates and colleagues at work later on in life. From this point on, most of the relationships in our lives will be symmetrical relationships, until the point that we become parents ourselves.

When we become parents, this will probably the first major asymmetrical relationship in our lives, and so the journey continues, we have a deeper response called out of us and we learn about giving far more than we receive from a relationship. But like our relationships with our siblings, the parent-child relationship should just be a training ground for us. It should be the first relationship that gets us comfortable with giving more than we receive, so that we are able to go out into the world and develop other relationships like this. The problem is that some people stop there, and the relationship that they have with their children will be the only asymmetrical relationship that they will have in their lives. I think that Jesus did not want the parent-child relationship to be our defining image of an asymmetrical relationship. Sure, it is the foundational experience of an asymmetrical relationship, but we are called to go beyond it. This is precisely why Jesus tells his disciples not to allow themselves to be called “Father” for you have one Father in heaven (Matthew 23:9). Jesus related to his disciples as a friend and a brother, but as a brother who gave far more than he received. So this “sibling” relationship was not a symmetrical one, but rather an asymmetrical one. This is the love that should define disciples of Jesus – Jesus wants the Christian community to be the place where all are brothers and sisters, but where these sibling relationships are not necessarily symmetrical. For Jesus says that “if you love those who love you, what reward can you expect, even the tax collectors and pagans do as much” (Mt 5: 46).

One final reflection from the above would be that if we are not biological parents, and lack the foundational experience of parenthood that should call out a deeper response from us, how do we get comfortable with asymmetrical relationships. I would think that it is necessary for such people to put themselves in places where they will be needed by people. A perfect example of this is Mother Teresa, who found herself in India, surrounded by a sea of human need. She may have had a bigger amygdala than others, she may have also realized more than others that her life was not about her, but there can be no denying that her sanctity and love was shaped by the people that she found herself surrounded by.

Questions for reflection

1. Which have been the relationships in my life where I have received more than I have given?
2. Which are the symmetrical relationships in my life that I may be called to transform into asymmetrical relationships?